Excusez-moi? Why Europe is ultimately doomed

Language is the durable bastion that keeps Europe from ever uniting, and why America is better.

It’s rare that I put on the full curmudgeon gear, like a MOPP 4 drill in the military. It’s just too confining for me. Today I wear it proudly: trapper hat, puffer jacket, duck boots, the whole affair. I need it to talk about things that Americans smirk at, and sometimes bristle about, but never really do anything, but Europeans take as seriously as the metric system. I am talking about language.

Photo by Christian Lue on Unsplash

I remember a story Florida State football coaching legend Bobby Bowden told at a men’s bible study. He was in Miami at a Walmart, standing in line behind a man who was having obvious communication problems talking to the cashier. As the line grew longer, Bowden and his fellow shoppers became less patient about the amount of time this person took to get the simplest questions answered, like how to pay for his order. It was obvious, he spoke some kind of Chinese or oriental language nobody there understood, and they were making all kinds of hand gestures trying to figure out what he was saying. Finally, Bowden had had enough. He shouted to the man, “Hey buddy, why don’t you speak like the rest of the people here? You’re in America! Take the time to learn the language. Speak Spanish so everyone can understand you.”

So, in Vilvoorde, Belgium, a commuter got his korte broeken in a twist over a train attendant greeting travelers in both Dutch “goeiemorgen,” and French, “bonjour.” After chiding the attendant, he reported the incident to Belgium’s Permanent Commission for Linguistic Control. The commission took five months (!) to rule that the complaint was “well-founded.” The attendant was in a Dutch-speaking region and should have greeted passengers in Dutch. If the train had been at the station eight minutes away, in Brussels, then the attendant would be justified using both French and Dutch.

The Dutch national railway company responded by saying the attendant was simply being “nice.” But “nice” doesn’t cut it when bureaucrats get to decide how a country’s language is used and where.

I say, are you @#$($*# kidding me?

Yeah, you might say Belgium is a particularly grievous example of language control, because they speak Dutch, French, and in some small areas, German. And the people in Flanders are very serious about people speaking Dutch. It reminds me of Americans in Montréal: they all know English, but you can’t get them to speak it if you’re on their land. When the Quebecois come down to New Hampshire, they’re forced to speak English (well, sort of). You know the old joke about the Quebecer who applied for a job as a pilot in Manchester? They asked him his qualifications working with a crew. He said, “Oui! Michel cuts da trees, Jaques stacks it, and I pile it!”

In Europe, Belgium is not an outlier. It’s not. France has the Académe Française, which is legally in charge of language and grammar. The Toubon Law mandates French must be used, and not just French, but individual French words for things that everyone else in the world calls by their English names. You can’t say “computer,” for instance. It’s ordinateur. But at least a “hamburger” is a hamburger in French. McDonalds will not be overruled.

Germany doesn’t have a law forcing the use of German, but if you use German, the Rat für deutsche Rechtschreibung determines how the language must be used. And to legally work in Germany, you have to learn the language. You must pass a test, and it’s not an easy test. A friend of mine who had to take that test described it by quoting Mark Twain: “never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.”

Spain is perpetually at war with itself: Catalan, Basque, Galician regions all have their official languages, in addition to Spanish, as in the Spanish regulated by Real Academia Española, not your American high school Spanish, or what passes for the language in south Texas. Italy, as in all things, has no official comprehensive law, other than legal contracts must be in Italian. Finland requires government communications to be in both Finnish (which is akin to reading a book of ancient spells) and Swedish. Sweden regulates its language through the Institute for Language and Folklore.

Ireland has Foras na Gaeilge to promote the Irish language, but really, nobody would visit Ireland if it wasn’t to see the impenetrable road signs and hear the lilt in their speech. So Ireland will always have Irish, and they’ll also speak English, which is the language of money. Switzerland is a mess: German, French, Italian, Romansh, and don’t forget about Schweizerdeutsch, Swiss German, which is distinct from German German. Poland requires Polish, as does a large swath of Chicago.

There’s no way Europe could ever unite in a meaningful way. If they tried to standardize languages, they’d be at war over it instantly. The only thing Europe has in common is the metric system. They can barely agree over what side of the road to drive on (if you’re on the continent, they drive on the right), or what constitutes wine, or cheese. Mess with the food, the culture, or the language, and it’s war. This is why a united Europe is doomed from the start.

It’s also why Ukraine, in a more serious vein, though it’s geographically in Europe, will never really be European in the modern world. It’s too slavic. It’s too Russian, as in people speak Russian. Russia, though part of it is European, has not been considered really European culturally since the czars ended and the Soviets took over. There’s really no going back to the Romanovs. So Ukraine will be a nice cause, as long as it keeps Russia’s nose out of the rest of Europe. It’s not a political thing, it’s cultural, and that comes down to language.

Contrast this with the U.S. Despite some piece of paper signed by President Donald Trump, the United States has no official language. We don’t. The First Amendment protects the use of pretty much any understandable language in our contract law. The government does not mandate any grammar, usage or common rules other than legal terms of art.

Certain government regulations and practices require multi-lingual communication. The EEOC is very picky about business places mandating the use of English. The ICAO requires English to be used as the language of flight control, and air traffic control. Therefore, all U.S. pilots must speak English. It doesn’t state they have to be particularly fluent, merely understandable. Supposedly controllers need to be able to figure out what they’re saying. I’ve heard some pretty thick accents over the frequencies. I suppose there are other industries that have language requirements, also, but the government does its best to keep its nose out of things as long as it’s not related to safety.

Thirty-one states have designated English as the official language, including Arizona, California, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Michigan, Texas, and Virginia. California also requires certain notices to be published in Spanish. New York City provides ballots and voter registration forms in Spanish, Chinese, and a host of other languages. Texas requires bilingual education for students for whom English is not their first language, so Algebra I may be taught in Spanish. Alaska has 20 official languages, representing the indigenous people who live there. Hawaii has two official languages: English and Hawaiian, but English takes precedence in any translation conflict.

But the U.S. is not built on using English. It’s built on whatever language people who live and work here speak. You can get on a train in America and be greeted in Bosnian, and there’s nobody to complain to. You can be in line at Walmart behind a guy speaking Chinese who can’t communicate with the Spanish-speaking cashier, and though you’re frustrated, the government can’t do a thing.

This is as it should be.

This is why our forefathers fought a war to get us out of Europe and its stratified system of languages, mandated culture, and nanny-statism without representation. It’s why the U.S., despite our political, religious, and cultural differences from coast to coast, and get along and live together. We don’t need no stinkin’ Permanent Commission for Linguistic Control. We have no official language coast to coast, and don’t try to give us one.

I feel sorry for the Dutch guy on the train. Thus ends my MOPP 4 curmudgeon drill. The gear goes back into the hope chest until the next time. Which could be a few years.

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