Forgive me for the mini-sabbatical, but here I am, back and feisty, ready to take on the most monotonous tasks of the day! Give me some Cheerios to urinate on and I’m there.
This morning, President Donald Trump ordered the U.S. Navy to give him plans within two months to retrofit our nuclear aircraft carriers to the old steam catapult system, versus the new electromagnetic one we spend billions and decades developing. It’s “no good,” Trump said back in 2017 during his firsts term, and just now, having solved all the other problems in the world, he has arrived at item number 6,285 on the list of “no good” things he wants to fix.
If you ask any sailor who has served on a nuclear carrier with a steam catapult, they would tell you the new system, calls EMALS, is better in practically every way. It’s quieter, requires less maintenance, can be operated by less sailors, and doesn’t belch steam all over the deck. I suppose for the purpose of making movies like “Top Gun,” having the steam in the dawn’s early light is more dramatic. But for every other purpose, EMALS wins. Our new reactor designs can supply enough power to operate electromagnetic systems day in, day out. And retrofitting a steam system on a carrier that was not designed for it is, well, let’s say it’s not the best idea.
(As an aside, any sailor who berthed beneath the steam catapult can now sleep through an entire Slipknot concert, or a marching band competition, or at an active explosives range. There is no better preparation for sleep training than living two years under a steam catapult. I know someone who did. It’s true.)
Speaking of sailors on nuclear aircraft carriers, the ones aboard the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln are decidedly unhappy, according to complaints received by Sen. Richard Blumenthal. They’ve been at sea nearly 250 days, and in a combat zone, resupply is not always convenient or safe. There’s lots of stories floating around about broken equipment, poor food, and deteriorating conditions on the Abe Lincoln, which has always been one of the preferred sea duty ships in the Navy.
I know people with family members serving aboard the Abe Lincoln, and they tell me there is merit to the stories. At sea, in a combat zone, with, at times, high operational tempo, for months at a time, will run any crew down. And without proper resupply, the stock of fresh vegetables, meat, and other staples dwindles, leaving the galleys full of frozen, canned, and other dregs of so-called food. There have been reports of sailors jumping overboard to escape their floating hell. CENTCOM denies it, but Blumenthal wants an investigation.
If anyone wanted to cook up a plan to destroy Navy morale, the combination of restoring the steam catapult and turning the U.S. Navy into “Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World” is a very effective one. Sometimes I have to question Mr. Trump’s objectives (“sometimes” being somewhere in the vicinity of how often teenagers think of sex).
I do know that one of The Donald’s near and dear priorities is having his name inscribed on everything, most precious, the Kennedy Center. Once again, the Kennedy Center board has decided to inscribe Donald Trump’s name on the edifice, despite a court order preventing it. This time, they want it to say “Restored and Renovated by President Donald J. Trump,” after closing the facility for a couple of years to change the carpet and install gold filigree on everything (I suppose). If you ask me, the whole reason the Kennedy Center closed is because Trump did his best to turn it into his plaything, and the artists who previously were honored to go there have left the building.
If anyone wanted to cook up a plan to destroy the Kennedy Center, having Trump’s name permanently inscribed on it, while turning it into a rococo den to make Vladimir Putin jealous, is a very effective one. Wait, I said that already. There seems to be a pattern developing here.
And then there’s the 250-foot arch which will forever ruin the view of Washington, D.C. from the hallowed ground of Arlington National Cemetery, and the front steps of Arlington House (formerly the abode of Robert E. Lee and the Custis family, dating back to George Washington). Perhaps we should allow the Confederates the privilege of installing guns on that hill and practice shelling, targeting the monstrous arch. It would be fitting.
Snake Plissken. If you remember the 1980s (if you’re as old as me, you do), “Escape From New York” has got to be a core memory. Without spoiling the plot—forget it, I’ll spoil it—it’s about Manhattan has become a massive prison surrounded by huge walls and protected by paramilitary police operating from Liberty Island, New Jersey, and, presumably, Brooklyn. There is no escape for the prisoners, who are left to fend for themselves, as long as they don’t leave.
Except the U.S. president had to bail out of Air Force One using the “presidential pod,” and before friendly forces could get him, he was taken by the crime boss and held for ransom. The powers-that-be recruited Snake, a former special forces operator with a spotty past, to get the president, on pain of going to jail forever if he didn’t.
Something about this plot rings in my ears when I heard that President Trump was hidden in a presidential pod, known as a catering cart, and surreptitiously removed from the “old” Air Force One, having sent the “new, gold” Air Force One on to Mildenhall in England. The plane swap was made in Turkey because of credible threats by Iran, exposing the fact that the “new, gold” Qatari 747 didn’t have the advanced defensive systems of the older planes. But that itself was a ruse.
While reporters, White House staffers, and even some cabinet members flew, believing themselves to be safe, on the old Air Force One, Trump was spirited away in the presidential pod to a waiting military 757, flown ahead to England, and then put back on the Air Force One plane to emerge down the stairs as if he never left.
Of course, had Iran actually attacked the old Air Force One, those people who were unwitting decoys would perish, while Trump was safe in a different plan. And then Trump had the cojones to say, “if I go, you go” to the press after the switcharoo, without letting them in on the joke. “Escape from Ankara” practically writes itself. Can we get Christopher Nolan to direct? Can we get Kurt Russell?
Anyway, Snake Plissken would not be pleased.
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"Of course, had Iran actually attacked the old Air Force One, those people who were unwitting decoys would perish, while Trump was safe in a different plan. And then Trump had the cojones to say, “if I go, you go” to the press after the switcharoo, without letting them in on the joke. “Escape from Ankara” practically writes itself. Can we get Christopher Nolan to direct? Can we get Kurt Russell?"
Dude.
John Carpenter is *still* with us and would do a MUCH better job than Nolan. Just check out "They Live" or the original "Assault on Precinct 13"* (probably a MORE relevant film) if "Escape from New York" wasn't already proof enough.
As a bonus, you'd get a great score to the film that's memorable, unlike whatever we got in "The Odyssey" (an uncharacteristically weak composition from Ludwig Göransson, who's done superb work in the past).
* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5UU2TxOcZs
Is urinating in one’s Cheerios the same as pissing in one’s Wheaties? Never mind, probably a generational difference. The endless and mindless questions we are all faced with daily as trump demonstrates his “genius” are truly mind boggling.
I awake daily to a host of quality emails (including The Racket). While not often listed as “quality,” is your old buddy EE, i sometimes pop it open to read his thoughts. Today’s header was curious: “Character Still Matters.”
It was in reference to Paxton…which has to beg the question, who has less character, trump? Or Paxton?
Like E S’s comment below, good to have you back.