Who wants to be Trump’s VP?

Spoiler Alert: Nobody in their right mind

Now that both parties have settled on their nominees, the punditocracy no longer has a horse race to speculate over. So naturally, they’ve chosen a new race to handicap. Biden has already declared that VP Harris will stay on the ticket. But the race is wide open for the coveted Trump VP slot.

Trump looking for a new VP is like Henry VIII looking for wife number six: It’s a job that nobody in their right mind would want. His LAST choice was a faithful servant who almost got hung on the steps of Congress for his trouble. Former VP Mike Pence has declared that he won’t even VOTE for Trump, much less run on his ticket again. Good call. He’s already killed his political future. No reason to push his luck.

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The prospect of having their names put next to Trump on the 2024 campaign signs appears to be driving some pols to desperate measures. A few months ago, Alabama Senator Katie Britt was being touted as the dark horse candidate VP. She responded by giving a State of the Union response so universally mocked that Bobby Jindal and Marco Rubio were sending her roses. It was so bad that Saturday Night Live brought in Scarlett Johansson for the opening sketch. South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem has long been on the MAGA VP wish list. When rumors of an extramarital affair with Corey Lewandowski wasn’t enough to squash the enthusiasm, Noem apparently went out and shot a dog. Desperate times, desperate measures.

Yesterday the Washington Post is reporting that Trump has soured on another leading contender. Arizona’s Kari Lake based her entire 2022 Senate campaign on sucking up to Trump. She preached the gospel of the stolen 2020 election, told John McCain supporters to get the hell out of her rally, and put on the full performative assholery required of a MAGA Queen in waiting. But she committed the one unpardonable sin of Trump world: She lost. It is such delicious irony that after dubbing herself “Trump in a dress” that HE has spurned HER.

Nikki Haley must be relieved that Trump is still out there calling her a bird brain. She notably failed to endorse him after dropping out of the presidential race. Marco Rubio and Ron DeSantis must be ecstatic that Trump chose to set up MAGA camp in Florida, rendering them both ineligible. Former White House press secretary and current Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders is under investigation for purchasing a $19,000 lectern (you can’t make this stuff up.)

But just like the Duke of Norfolk didn’t let a little thing like having a niece and nephew beheaded by Henry VIII stop him from offering up another female relative as queen, there are still women willing to take on the crown of Trump VP. Marjorie Taylor Greene and Elise Stefanik would mud wrestle each other on OANN if it would get them the role. Tim Scott is even planning a Summer wedding – to a WOMAN! Just to keep his name in the pot.

It’s like the version of “The Golden Bachelor” that airs nonstop in hell.

Of course there IS an upside to being the chosen one. King Henry’s wife number six got temporary use of all the jewels, furs, and horses that he had gifted wives one through five (since THEY weren’t around to use them anymore). Trump’s next pick could get a leg up on the 2028 race. Or maybe not, because Trump will once again be the front runner in 2028 after he loses to Biden for a second time. But hope springs eternal.

I admit to being personally torn over the veepstakes. On the one hand, I don’t want to see yet another politician I admire getting MAGA all over them (and at this point, that’s a very short list.) On the other hand, Trump could very well win, and if he does, it’s even money that he gets impeached yet again or that all of those Big Macs finally catch up to him. So, we need someone serious and qualified ready to step in. The latest name being floated is former North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum. Reports are that he and his wife had Easter brunch at Mar-A-Lago with Donald and Melania. He fits the Pence mold of boring old white guy who would never outshine the boss. He’d certainly be a better choice than Tucker Carlson or Vivek Ramaswamy. (Shudder.)

I doubt if we’ll get the answer soon because Trump loves to keep people guessing. He’s also currently tied up with his many court appearances. Let’s just pray that there’s not a swimsuit competition as part of this reality competition.