NostraTrumpus predicts: Doom edition

Here's a small list of things Trump predicted in the debate with Harris

It’s best to watch spectacles like last night’s debate with other people. Drinking alone can lead to addiction, you know. I will leave the professional reviews to professional reviewers who are paid for their opinions. If you saw it last night, you know.

Donald Trump made a lot of predictions on what would happen if Kamala Harris is elected. His predictive power is so great that we have to go all the way back to 1550 and Nostradamus to find such pointed and troubling vintages. Do they swirl within the goblet like fine wine, aging to perfection. Or do they spoil and become vinegar?

In case you were drinking very heavily, or, wisely, in bed or doing something productive, here’s a short list of the things I picked up. Your list (if you kept one) may vary.

I’m going to start—ackshually—with a different list. Here’s the list of things that wouldn’t have happened, according to NostraTrumpus, if the stolen election had not failed (I mean, if Trump hadn’t left the White House). I won’t get into the truth of anything Trump said, because it would simply be too exhausting to fact check either candidate. They both lied like rugs—but they both told some small nuggets of truth (I would not go so far as to call them pearls—they are more like boogers of truth), flicked, ground in with the heel, and embedded deeply in the shag carpet of falsehoods.

The semi-comprehensive list of anti-historical retro-dictions of NostraTrumpus

1. The withdrawal from Afghanistan would have gone perfectly, versus how it really went. America’s hasty retreat from Kabul and Bagram air field would not have happened. American forces would not have left $80 billion (I did not fact check this, it’s what Trump said—Ed) in military materiel for the Taliban to use. Faced with such peace and boredom, the Taliban would abandon heroin production as its primary source of revenue, and take up providing luxury adventure sporting safaris using Humvees and Abrams tank chassis left to them as seed capital.

2. Because the withdrawal from Afghanistan was not botched (see above), Vladimir Putin would not have dared to invade Ukraine. The entire Ukraine war would not have happened. All the lives lost would not have happened. Putin and Trump would be seen drinking a virgin Pina Colada (for Vladimir) and Diet Coke (for Trump) in a trendy Kyiv goth bar, expertly served by a turtleneck-clad Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

3. Hamas would not have dared commit the atrocities of October 7th. Not because Hamas is scared of Trump. Oh, no. It is because Iran, Hamas’s benefactor, would be broke and have no money. The (checks notes) $400 billion (according to Trump) the Iranians got when the Biden administration unfroze the funds would not have been unfrozen, and therefore Iran could not fund their 28 (count’em!) “spheres of influence.” There would be no Gaza war. Netanyahu and Trump would be seen dining on well-done Kosher beef steaks (with ketchup for Donald) on the rooftop of the American embassy overlooking Donald Trump Square in Jerusalem, with no fear of rockets whatsoever. The tunnels in Gaza would be converted into a giant duty-free mall, bringing in billions for the former terrorists-cum-fashion revolutionaries.

4. Oil and gas would be abundant and cheap, produced in the U.S. The Keystone XL would be completed and the Nord Stream 2 would not. Big Oil would build massive refineries in Steele City, Nebraska, to convert Canadian tar sands oil to sweet sweet crude, on the way to Vegas on the San Jacinto outside Houston, where it would be further refined into money. Russia would not have the money from gas sales they got from the Nord Stream 2 pipeline, but would more than make up for the loss by selling pump-and-dump stocks on NASDAQ. Trump would be seen hitting the links in Doonbeg with François Poirier.

5. Dogs and cats would live in peace together. Squirrels wouldn’t dare climb up into bird feeders. Kamala Harris’s name would be undiscovered and impossibly buried in the sands of time.

Did I miss anything? I know—I was quite modest in portraying NostraTrumpus in his bold retro-dictions. But on to the main event: predictions so strong that even the smallest whiff can cause “the vapors” to overcome the weak in spirit. Get ready for the fainting couch, folks.

The by-no-means complete list of NostraTrumpus predictions of why this is the most important election since Noah stepped off the ark

Note: all predictions begin with “If Kamala Harris becomes president…”

1. Israel will cease to exist in two years. Boom. Gone. How this is accomplished may be open to scriptural interpretation. Is it the Rapture? Will everyone destined for eternal glory be seen to vanish, with our clothes neatly folded where we stood? Will El Al aircraft plow into mountains because all the crew was redeemed (or because El Al flies a lot of Boeing 737-800s)? Will Israel sell itself for Arab wampum? We don’t know. All the prophet has left us, is just that somehow, President Harris will be responsible for the disappearance of 10 million Israelis from the face of God’s green earth.

2. World War III will occur. If I heard correctly, this will be enhanced by the use of nuclear weapons. Trump mentioned nuclear weapons (checks notes) while answering the question of whether he would cede Ukraine to Russia. He said we don’t talk about nuclear weapons, and Putin has them. Yes, he does. Perhaps we will all face the future in the video game (and awesome Amazon Prime series) “Fallout.” Fallout 3 takes place in D.C., so it can’t be that one. Perhaps it’s an all new game, Fallout Vice, in the burned out hulk of Ocean Drive resorts on Miami’s glass coast. The protagonist’s mission: to reach Vault 69420 under Mar-a-Lago, taking out the Ghoul Queen Kambala on the way.

3. America will be overrun by pet-eating killer pedophiles from 78—no (checks notes) 132—countries around the world streaming over our borders. This seems to be in line with the above Number 2 prediction, but the vision laid down by the clairvoyant NostraTrumpus was not clear if they are related. I think he was referring to right now. The border is indeed a problem, and people are streaming over from all manner of places they’d rather live less than in the Roosevelt Hotel in Manhattan, or the Kennedy Suite at the Fairfield Inn Boston Dedham, feasting on spoiled fajita meat and EBT-card-purchased Lunchables.

4. The economy will crash, and simultaneously, inflation will ravage consumers. That guy, Jerome Powell, it’s all his fault. who appointed him anyway? Without the strong, tiny hands of Trump at the tiller, the American economy will hit the rocks, and the dollar will vie with the Venezuelan Bolívar as king of worthlessness. Buy your gold now, and store it in a convenient MyPillow case (two for one!) that’s also perfect for hiding precious metals in the crawlspace beneath your ammunition room. You’ll need it when Harris comes for your guns. (An aside: Harris said both she and Gov. Walz are gun owners. I don’t think Trump has ever owned, or fired, a gun. Correct me if I am wrong.)

5. Solar farms will consume the entire western desert. This was an aside, almost lost to history, but I pulled it out from the ether to let you know that solar farms take up bazillions of acres (I am not sure of that, as they cut Trump’s mic when he was talking). Now don’t get me wrong, the latest statistics I’ve seen (Google it) say that the amount of land used for golf courses is about the same as used for solar farms. If we converted all the golf courses into solar farms, then tripled that, we’d have enough power to charge every iPhone in America. We could then build more golf courses, because we’ll need a lot more solar to power the gigawatts required by giant AI superclusters (like the ones xAI—Elon Musk’s company—is building). In any case, solar is bad for golf, so says NostraTrumpus.

6. The police will be funded, or defunded, I’m not sure. I think Kamala Harris is for funding the police. Except when the police are in Minneapolis. Or Miami, where they cuff Tyreek Hill for being an entitled millionaire NFL player in a (checks notes) McLaren. I really don’t know. I do know that the police Trump doesn’t want to fund are the Capitol Police, who are horrible people because they use guns on armed protesters trying to breach the Capitol. But those police work for Nancy Pelosi (I guess now they work for Mike Johnson?).

7. America is in decline, my friend. That’s the entire message. Yes, after only four years of the old man and his young sidekick, America has gone from the shining beacon of liberty and unattainable exceptional skill at all things, to a third world hellhole. Nothing can stop this process if Harris is elected, NostraTrumpus predicts. They said this in 2016: the Flight 93 Election. They said this in 2020—missed it by that much! And now they’re saying it in 2024. Of course, if we elect Trump, democracy itself is dead from head trauma. I am not so sure of that, because what’s so bad about a little TBI? Look at all the former NFL players who do just fine after having their bell rung daily for three, or six, or 23 seasons? I mean, Tom Brady still can speak in full sentences, and President Joe Biden cannot.

One more time, with feeling

All kidding aside, there are some uncomfortable truths that both Harris and Trump touched on, albeit from different sides of the uniparty coin.

The war in Ukraine will have to be resolved without Ukraine retaking the Donbas. After two-plus years, it’s just not possible. The Russians have mined the battle lines so thoroughly that even a full NATO ground assault could not make sufficient progress without humungous losses. A paratroop operation might work better, but, alas, Ukraine does not have a Screaming Eagle division, nor do they have the logistics to pull that off.

Ukraine cannot “take” Russia in the sense of invading significant land and holding it. Therefore, the current incursions are bargaining chips. The war will end by negotiation, because it’s the only way it can end. Maybe Trump could end it “in a day,” but only by giving Putin everything he wants. Putin already has the Donbas. He’s not giving it back. Putin would love to see NATO broken up or frozen. But it’s unlikely the Swedes or Fins will step away. The Poles hate the Russians with the blazing heat of a thousand suns. So, Putin is down to negotiating over the corpses of dead dogs and navigation rights in the Black Sea. Zelensky can handle this part. I hope.

The war in Gaza can only be resolved when Israel decides it’s done dismantling Hamas. There is no way Hamas can be completely dismantled, apart from turning literally every building, home, and hospital in Gaza into rubble. Israel has turned an unacceptable number of structures into garbage heaps already, but there’s still plenty of tunnels ready to be reoccupied the minute the IDF leaves. I think it’s personal for Netanyahu. He wants Sinwar Yahya’s head on a pike. If he gets it, the war will (I hope) end quickly. If he doesn’t, there will be many more dead hostages recovered.

I don’t see how Kamala Harris or Donald Trump could affect this outcome. It’s all, at this point, messaging. I don’t believe Harris when she says she respects Israel’s right to self-defense, when Israel’s enemy wants not a two-state solution, but a one-state solution, with no Israel (see Trump’s prediction Number 1). But I don’t believe Trump for a New York minute when he says he could do better.

America’s economy is doing pretty well, actually. Jobs are a problem, but not because we’re on the cusp of a recession. It’s a problem because everyone wants the same high-paying, stable jobs, and there aren’t enough companies offering those jobs, and there aren’t enough qualified workers to fill the jobs companies are offering. And there’s plenty of service jobs most Americans don’t want. Robots can build cars much more efficiently than people, so there’s a lot less people needed to build cars, meaning less “good work, good pay” union jobs doing that. It’s similar in many manufacturing industries. But transportation and logistics? Plenty of work for those who can do it.

I don’t think either Trump’s or Harris’s vision for the U.S. economy makes any more sense than if Dr. Seuss wrote it.

One more thing, and I’m out. If we want a better America, we have to make Congress do its job. I’d vote against every incumbent in Congress and force a completely new batch, if I thought I could count on the parties picking sane people to run. Unfortunately, many times, the people running against incumbents are far worse than the do-nothing jack-legged people we already have in the job. Vote them out. Get better people to run. That’s the answer. NostraTrumpus missed that prediction completely, by the way.

That’s all I got. What do you want for nothing? A Costco pizza?