Stop trying to make Michelle happen

Don't believe everything (or anything) you hear from Ted Cruz and MGT.

I swear I don’t know where this stupid rumor got started. Probably in the exact same fever swamp that belched out the lie that children were being sexually trafficked out of the basement of a DC pizza restaurant or being sold on Wayfair. Or that there was a secret operative in the Trump administration posting under the mysterious pseudonym Q. Or my personal favorite: thatDonald Trump is still president of the United States and he’s just waiting for all of the pedophiles to expose themselves.

But it’s not true. None of it is true and it never has been. There is no storm coming. Hillary Clinton will spend the rest of her days a free woman. Airplanes are not spreading chemtrails across the skies of America. The moon landing was real. The CIA didn’t assassinate JFK (or invent crack.) The world is round. Walt Disney’s head is not frozen in a jar. The chemicals are not turning the frickin’ frogs gay. Elvis is dead. Birds are real. The Loch Ness Monster is not.

Photo credit: Monique Wingard/Wikimedia

And Michelle Obama is not going to replace Joe Biden as the Democratic nominee for president. Sorry to disappoint you.

Yet a lot of people are thoroughly convinced that it’s happening. Ted Cruz and Marjorie Taylor Greene have both publicly stated this has been “the plan the whole time.” Which should be your first clue that the idea is total BS. One of the most intelligent people I know laid out the whole plot for me. You see “they” have this plan. “They” scheduled Thursday’s debate this early because they knew they needed to force Biden out but needed to show him failing on a national stage in order to convince him (and his wife Lady Macbeth) to voluntarily quit the race. Then “they” are simply going to make Mrs. O the nominee in his place.

“So, who is this THEY you keep talking about?”

“You know. THEM. Whoever it is that’s in charge of the Democratic party.”

Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s a great idea! Michelle Obama is attractive and intelligent, has 100 percent name recognition, and knows how to work a crowd. People love her. Ditto for Oprah! And we know how much Americans love a celebrity running for office. Why not?

I’ll give you three very good reasons why not.

1. Michelle Obama has zero interest in running for political office. She has said so publicly and repeatedly. You can’t blame her given the hideous racist attacks she was forced to endure as first lady. (And did you hear that she’s really a MAN? I sat across from two Republican ladies at a luncheon once who discussed this in earnest. I heard it from a close relative. People are morons.)

2. The Democrats have no procedure in place to do this. If Joe Biden dies (and I’m not trying to be ghoulish here, but the man is 81 years old. It’s a distinct possibility) then Kamala Harris becomes president. And as sitting president, she would rightfully assume the mantle of her party’s nominee.

Sure, they can ASK him to quit. A lot of prominent Democrats have done just that. The New York Times published an editorial calling on Biden to leave the race. But they can’t MAKE him. The primaries are over. The voters have spoken. True, they didn’t actually have any other options, but Biden won 99 percent of the delegates who are bound to vote for their candidate.

Sure, the party could change the rules. Republicans had the same impulse 8 years ago. Anyone remember how that worked out? Voters tend to frown on attempts to overthrow the Democratic process. There’s a reason we dispensed with the smoke-filled rooms of past political conventions. Democrats even got rid of their “superdelegates” after complaints that they had “rigged” the 2016 primary to ensure that Hillary Clinton won out over Bernie Sanders.

3. For this scheme to work, every elected Democrat in the nation would have to set aside his or her ego and agree to make Michelle – a woman who has never held office or had any personal political ambitions – the nominee. Harris is 59 years old. Her most likely rival for the 2028 nomination, California Governor Gavin Newsom is 56. You’re telling me that “they” can convince these two to defer their own White House dream for another eight years?

In our lifetimes the only time one party held the White House for three consecutive terms was when George H.W. Bush followed Reagan in 1988, so realistically it would be 16 years before another Democrat becomes president, and by that time they would both be – almost the same age as the two old guys duking it out for the office now!

I have zero faith in that last scenario because I remember exactly what happened to Republicans in 2016. We were so excited at our prospects after 8 years of Obama that we held debate watch PARTIES!

I spent 2015 attending gatherings where we fervently argued the merits of each candidate. Rubio is young and charismatic and can appeal to minorities! Jeb Bush speaks Spanish! Ted Cruz is the one true conservative in the race! Yeah, but Scott Walker has executive experience! Bobby Jindal is the smartest man in the room! John Kasich is the governor of Ohio! We have an embarrassment of riches! Which one will it be? Doesn’t matter because we can’t lose and this is gonna be awesome!

Then this reality TV host came gliding down a golden escalator and blew all the rest of those guys out of the water. Denial gave way to horror as the party hit the orange iceberg and started sinking. People were desperate to make it stop! And it could have been stopped. All we needed was for all but one of the “not Trump” candidates to drop out. Trump was consistently getting 35 percent of the vote. If the other 65 percent of voters could coalesce around one candidate not named Donald Trump, it would be game over.

So, how did that play out?

Jeb Bush was convinced that he was the front-runner. The polls said so. He thought he could lock up all the big donors and scare his challengers out of the race. He thought wrong. Scott Walker’s campaign imploded on the launching pad. So did Rick Perry’s. Rand Paul got less than half of the supporters that failed to win his father the nomination. Ted Cruz camped out in Iowa, sucking up to evangelical voters. The ones who supported Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee the last two times. This worked! Didn’t matter. Chris Christie bet on winning New Hampshire. He finished sixth and quit the next day – but not before fatally wounding Marco Rubio. John Kasich finished a surprising second behind Trump in New Hampshire, thus giving him enough momentum to hold on until he could win in his home state of Ohio, after which he dropped out.

Mike Lee made a final attempt to broker a deal between the two biggest not-Trumps: Cruz and Rubio. If Rubio would just drop out he could be Ted’s VP! Wouldn’t that be awesome? Rubio said no. Faced with the horrifying choice between backing Ted Cruz or accepting Trump, the Republican establishment chose to take its chances on Trump. A bitter, angry party limped along towards November, resigned to the second coming of the Clintons and hoping to salvage control of Congress before Trump lost and they could start cleaning up the mess they made.

Only, Trump DIDN’T lose. At least not in 2016. Eight excruciating years later, he’s the nominee of the party for the third election cycle in a row.

But I’m sure the Democrats are smarter than that, right? Donald Trump is an existential threat to not only American democracy but world peace! That’s their whole campaign message! Biden will surely withdraw from the race. His wife can clearly see that putting her husband through four more months of this campaign (not to mention four more years of serving as president) constitutes elder abuse, right?

Next month, Democratic delegates will ignore their personal loyalties and ambitions and select a solid, centrist candidate who can beat Donald Trump. Someone like – Michelle Obama! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

As of today, it’s not looking good. Biden is back on the campaign trail. Former President (and potential First First Husband) Barack Obama is publicly declaring that everyone has bad debates. Why, he did against Romney and came back to win! So will Joe. Jill Biden isn’t looking into senior care facilities. She’s donned a dress with “VOTE” printed out in large letters all over it.

Several political observers have noted that Biden seems a lot, well, “livelier” today! Almost human! Maybe if they can just schedule all the campaign events before the Golden Corral buffet opens, he can pull this off. The editors of the NYT will calm down. Either Biden truly believes deep down in his heart that he is the nation’s only hope to defeat the orange menace or he’s too selfish to step down even if it kills him and everyone else in the process. Take your pick.

Democrats have two choices: shut up and back him regardless of the results, or force him out and let their delegates pick a successor in time to make the August 7th deadline to put their candidate’s name on the Ohio ballot. Then trust that all the rival candidates and their factions will unite around a new nominee in November, which could certainly happen.

Honestly, I wish the Illuminati DID exist and that they were pulling the strings here. That would mean some intelligent people are in control of this process and that they had a plan. That’s a much more comforting thought than the truth: we’re on our own. The voters will decide this. And anything can happen.

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