You'll get nothing and like it!

Georgia is getting exactly what we ordered. Plus: the Scots conquer Boston.

I will begin with my favorite poem of all time:

It’s easy to grin
when your ship comes in
and you’ve got the stock market beat.
But a man worthwhile
is a man who can smile
when his shorts are too tight in the seat.
—Judge Elihu Smails

If you are under 40 years old, it’s likely you have never heard or read the above, which I say could be apotheosis of all literature. Me? I have it memorized, along with most of the entire script of “Caddyshack,” possibly the best comedy ever filmed, other than “Blazing Saddles” and “Young Frankenstein.” Sigh. How I miss Gene Wilder, Rodney Dangerfield, and especially Ted Knight (who very well may be the funniest actor in history). Pardon me for my Boomer sensibilities, but the world today just isn’t as funny as it used to be. I mean, sure, we laugh at it, but there’s a thin-skinned quality to everyone these days that used to only attach to people like Lyndon B. Johnson or Richard M. Nixon.

“I had a great time meeting with @LtGovJonesGA today under the Gold Dome. I am excited to work with Lt. Gov. Jones each and every day to deliver results for hardworking Georgians across the 10th district.” Image Source: Rep. Mike Collins, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

But let’s talk about another tent full of clowns, and by that, I mean the Georgia Republican Party. If that didn’t wipe the smile from your face, it’s likely you are blissfully not paying attention to politics, and bully for you!

Mike Collins represents the Donald J. Trump district of Georgia in the House of Representatives, and buddied up with Lt. Gov. Burt Jones, who has fortunately lost the Republican gubernatorial primary. He’s as much a MAGA man as anyone in the House, and now he’s going to run against Sen. Jon Ossoff, a man whose political rise I have followed with interest for a decade.

In 2017, Democrats poured $30 million into Congressional District 6, which at the time included my home, as an unknown Ossoff took on Karen Handel. At the time, it was the most expensive congressional race in history. Ossoff had the most votes in the jungle election, where all candidates were on the ballot regardless of party, but he fell short of the 50 percent plus one vote to win outright. Handel had the second highest vote count, so they went to a runoff, and Handel won by 9,282 votes.

Handel only served one term in the House, and was roundly beaten by Democrat Lucy McBath in the midterms. Handel lost again to McBath in 2020, while Ossoff set his sights on the U.S. Senate. Learning from his stinging loss in the runoff to Handel in 2017, I believe Ossoff must have planted a speaker under Donald Trump’s pillow, calling in favors from the White House stewards with whom he forged a drinking relationship during his time as a staffer for Rep. Hank Johnson. I kid—I made that part up. In any case, Trump ordered his MAGA minions to remain home and not vote in the runoff election, which the star-crossed incumbent David Perdue would likely have won, but lost. Both of Georgia’s red seats in the U.S. Senate flipped to blue in a single day due to Trump’s political malpractice.

Sen. Ossoff, the darling of Democrats—young, educated, good-looking, and (as far as we know) with no totenkopf tattoos (Ossoff is Jewish)—is being groomed to run for president. He will be difficult for Collins to beat. Ossoff has a war chest of about $31 million, and will raise much more before November. I am sure Republicans will open up the piggy bank and $100 million is not out of the question, so the race might hit $250 million total. I wouldn’t be surprised if it went higher.

Gov. Brian Kemp endorsed the man who lost to Collins, Derek Dooley, who lowered his sights from being head coach of Louisiana Tech and the University of Tennessee football programs, in order to enter politics. I hope he learned his lesson, along with Herschel Walker and anyone else who thinks it’s a good idea to switch from a high-paying sports job to running for office. Just because Tommy Tuberville can do it doesn’t mean it works for anyone.

Kemp also endorsed Burt Jones. I don’t know what spider crawled into the governor’s brain for that decision, but I think it might have something to do with having Rick Jackson, billionaire, ticking him off. My original strategy was to vote for Brad Raffensperger in the Republican primary for governor, then pivot to Jackson if it ended up in a runoff between Jones and Jackson. But I changed my mind after Jackson’s hubris made itself evident. Plus, Jackson seems to be willing to say or claim anything to win—his $100 million personal investment has to pay off. He said he wants to be a mini-Trump. He implied Gov. Kemp supported him. Both Trump and Kemp endorsed his opponent.

Nonetheless, Jackson’s money won the race, on the backs of Fulton County Republicans, where he won by 20 points. In the general election, he faces Keisha Lance Bottoms, who goes by just Keisha Bottoms now. Bottoms will get no love from MAGA voters, but I believe she will be a solid candidate for Jackson to beat. Democrats will again pour a bank vault of money into the race. The billionaire versus the Black woman, former mayor of Atlanta versus the healthcare tycoon, will be an interesting campaign.

What I do know is that Jackson won’t be able to count on Fulton County, it’s going to go Bottoms in the general election. The question is if he can be MAGA enough to carry the rest of the state, which voted for Burt Jones in the primary and the runoff. I expect Jackson to drape himself in the Trump flag and claim he will be best buddies with people like Ken Paxton. Or whatever he has to say to win. The question is: will it be enough? I don’t know.

But I feel like Judge Smails’ grandson Spaulding ordering at the snack bar. “You’ll get nothing and like it!” Either I will have a governor who will say or claim anything (and I can’t believe any of it) to get the job, while his company has multi-million dollar contracts with the state he would govern, or a governor who wants to legalize casino gambling state-wide, and presided over a city that had its entire computer system hacked on her watch.

In the Senate, I’ll either watch Ossoff prepare his presidential aspirations, or watch in horror as MAGA keeps the senate majority. If I were a party man, I’d try to muster some joy. But I am not a man worthwhile after all.

In the American Revolutionary War, the 42nd Regiment of Foot (Black Watch), a Highland regiment of Scots, fought in several battles. The 71st Regiment (Fraser’s Highlanders) fought in the south, all the way to Yorktown. None of the Highlanders fought in Boston. Had they, perhaps Henry Knox would not have had his cannon on Dorchester Heights, and maybe history would have gone a different way in 1775. We’d be drinking to the King of England, God Save Him!

Well, the Scots have conquered Boston in 2026, not with arms, but with kilts and love and beer. God bless them! Fifty thousand Highlanders have descended upon the Hub, partying, drinking, wearing kilts, and giving the Boston Red Sox a dose of their incredible fan energy. And it works: Scotland’s World Cup team beat Haiti and gets to play again in the stadium where the Patriots will return later this summer.

Again, I am so happy that the world is here in America for the World Cup. They are giving us so much to be thankful for, and they are feeling the love here too. It’s the best 250 celebration we could ever ask for.